Published May 14, 2008
In my mind you're brought to life by mischeivious cards and velvet tricks,
"Those dice are there for rolling girls!" ... 2,4,666.
Your shop is a birthmark hidden between forgotten streets,
and I am the only one who knows you're there.
Your shop is an abandoned circus,
and you are the Ringleader.
You skip like a jester in front of a corpse-quiet audience.
The smell of dust creates itself,
as your painted grin leaks flowers and flames.
Your shop is a mutinied pirate ship,
and you are the Captain.
Your salt-soaked sails are an emerald emblem,
Clinging to the helm, braving the screaming storm,
The Captain always goes down with his ship.
Your shop is a crumbling castle,
and you are the King.
Your kingdom is all domino-houses and jewellery-box towns.
Resonating, crumbling memories are all that's left
Of a civillisation long dead.
In my mind you're brought to life by mischevious cards and velvet tricks,
[i]And I am the only one who know you're there.
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
First of all, very good imagery and interesting topic! It's rather unique, and you capture the magician's surroundings rather well.
Second of all, i saw a couple typos here and there, but doesn't matter. Just be sure to proofread more meticulously next time.
Good overall, it lacks some poetic quality though. It reads as prose to me, which is not a good quality in a poem. Don't get me wrong though, I rather enjoyed it and I hope you keep up the good work!
Hi In the first line I saw "Those dice are there for rolling girls!" ... 2,4,666. does it suppose to be 6,6,6 because you can't get 666 on a dice.
I wish though.
"
Your shop is an abandoned circus,
and you are the Ringleader."
Please don't start the next sentence with "and"
The rest looks pretty good.
Good luck with your writing see you around.
GorsonRamsayLuver
A semicolon or full stop might be more appropriate, but it's your poem.
Overall, it's pretty good.
Wow, I really liked this.
), but the atmosphere seems sort of 'menacing' to me, which I really like.
The imagery is incredible and create a great atmosphere. I especially liked:
"Your shop is a birthmark hidden between forgotten streets,
and I am the only one who knows you're there. "
and
"Your shop is a mutinied pirate ship,
and you are the Captain.
Your salt-soaked sails are an emerald emblem,
Clinging to the helm, braving the screaming storm,
The Captain always goes down with his ship."
Those images are very powerful. Maybe it's just me (and the weather outside
This is very well done and every time I read it I like it more, which is a clear compliment.
Have a star
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Eimear
After much much thought, I realize I love this. It's very unique. Such uplifting and evocative imagery. The comparison you work are shown with such mastery of the english langauge. Favourite bits:
It's very well written, and I love the end of each stanza as I shown and metaphors used.
Overall: I read this poem a few times, because it required steady thinking and it passes with flying colours. Great poem, kudos; *stars*
Good luck
VSN